Do you know how long it’s been since I’ve danced…or tried to look hot? I do. It was November 21, 2010 — the day before I found out I was pregnant — while partying in New Orleans. Oops. I bring this up, because this coming weekend I’m heading to the Sundance Film Festival for my friend’s bachelorette party, and it’s the first chance in a looooong time for me to just be Courtney again; not a girl carting around a baby, or a mama fixated on a daily schedule of breastfeeding and nap times. I’ll be free to do whatever I want for three whole days. I’m going to SLEEP IN; go to movies, DRINK AS MUCH AS I WANT, dress up in stylish clothes all day and night, and yes, probably dance at a bar and try as hard as this mama can to look HOT! I’m both excited about all of this, and nervous. I mean, will I be able to get my groove back without feeling silly dropping it like it’s hot at the bar? Maybe, as long as I don’t psyche myself out imagining everyone laughing at me dancing, pointing and mouthing; “OMIGAWD, look at that MOM dancing in her MOM JEANS!” *bites nails*
The minute I realized I was with child, my perception of self changed. I identify 100% with being a mom. This is who I am now. It’s probably difficult for most moms to see themselves as anything other than their baby’s mama for at least the first year of their child’s life — if they ever do get a sense of self back outside of motherhood. I’m sure some don’t.
Before I had Annabelle, I was a fun loving girl all about fashion, pop culture, having a good time, etc. I guess I wasn’t that deep come to think of it. ANYWAY, for a girl who used to be keen on fashion, I’ve found myself stressing over what the heck I’m going to wear this weekend. First and foremost, I have to somehow conceal 12 pounds of left over pregnancy. I’ve lost a whopping 42 pounds in the last 5 ½ months, but I still have these dang 12 lbs that are hanging on for dear life. I read somewhere that breastfeeding mamas struggle to lose those final 10 lbs because your body holds onto the weight to aid in milk production. Whatever, at least my gut is for a good cause.
So I’m going to try my best to look hot sporting what can look like a 3-month baby bump when I’m slouching and forgetting to suck it in. Note to all: sequins actually make your bump look bigger. Too bad I already bought two sequined tops for this trip. Ugh. I used to be so aware of muffin tops before pregnancy, and would NEVER wear anything that made me look in the slightest bit chubbers. If I had any kind of back fat in an outfit, that outfit would never see the light of day. So these days, I struggle over trying to avoid the muffin top, and accepting that it’s part of postpartum and it’ll go away eventually. Imagine how I’m going to feel when we girls hit up the hot tub on our trip. Me and a bikni, we’re not friends. I only wish I could lose these remaining pounds without having to give up nightly Oreos and wine… And pizza, and fries, and Mexican food, etc.
When I was driving home from shopping tonight, I was listening to my iPod playlist, jamming in my seat singing all the wrong words to Rihanna’s new song “We Found Love.” I was feeling the music you know, so I was doing some version of club dancing in the car, and then I remembered that I’m a mom and I felt immediately foolish. Can moms look sexy and dance with their friends at a bar? I remember feeling weird about seeing Britney on stage in a leotard shaking her ass and making out with her dancers once she’d had a baby. Is this the same thing?? I so hope not.
Anyway, hopefully this isn’t just me being uber self-conscious, and these are feelings that all new moms deal with when they’re trying to blend back into fun loving society, or just with their kid free friends.
I’m really looking forward to my trip. I think we’re going to have a blast, and I’m crossing my fingers that I can report back on at least a few celebrity sightings while we’re there. And I’ll let you know if this Stella was able to get her groove back on the other side of my trip! 🙂