What my girl’s weekend taught me about motherhood…

by Courtney on January 24, 2012

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Well, I’m back from my girl’s weekend at the Sundance Film Festival in Park City, Utah, and boy, to say I couldn’t wait to get home was an understatement. I was literally counting down the hours and minutes until I was reunited with my baby girl, Annabelle. I missed her so much and found myself envious of my husband for the time he was getting to spend with her while I was a million miles away on this snowy bachelorette weekend. I think I called every hour and 30 minutes to check in on her, to make sure she was getting her naps, eating well, and generally happy. My husband would tell me that nothing has changed since the last time I called an hour ago! Don’t get me wrong; this was a fun trip and it was interesting to see how the Sundance Film Festival worked, seeing as though I always read about it every year in magazines, but I guess right now my headspace is so centered on being a mom, that without Annabelle, I’m just not having as much fun.

Yo, what happened to my wingman?

Aside from the bachelorette, who is one of my college sorority sisters, one of my other good friends was supposed to come and we were going to be each other’s wingmen over this trip, since 20 or so ladies were going to be holed up in this big ole vacation rental house — most of which, I didn’t know. Unfortunately, she had to bow out at the last minute due to an illness, so I was on my own — no wingman! That definitely changed the dynamic of the trip for me. Everyone was super nice and I did bond with a couple of the girls, one of which had a 7 month old son, which made me feel better about leaving AB. Buuuuut I definitely missed my wingman and felt like I would’ve let my hair down more had she been there.

So, this is a good time to answer the question of my last blog; “will this new mama get her groove back at the Sundance Film Festival?”  The answer is…no! Dang it! Well, in all fairness, who gets crazy and wasted in Utah? I had three Sangrias at dinner and didn’t feel a thing! There’s like no alcohol in that state. But anyway, it was a pretty subdued weekend for everyone — even the bachelorette. Besides, it was the opening weekend of a major film festival, so we made seeing movies a priority.

Festivals only show indie films with no popcorn? WHAAAAT?

Let’s talk movies and the festival process. I always call myself a movie buff, but that doesn’t necessarily mean I’m some crazed indie film lover who enjoys drowning my sorrows in depressing movies that win Oscars year over year. I like romantic comedies! I love buttered movie popcorn and a giant fountain drink. So obvy the Sundance Film Festival is not exactly my speed. You take shuttle busses all over Park City to different “viewing theaters” (read: not a real movie theater) that have conference rooms for movie makers to meet and sell to distributors afterward. The concession stand is a crying shame. No popcorn — and you can’t even take a soda into the theater, only water! WHAT! How un-American is a movie theater without popcorn?? After the movie, the film maker does a Q&A with the audience, and you have all these super annoying beanie wearing indie wannabe film makers, directors, or “actors” asking what the inspiration was for the movie, or what certain metaphors were supposed to mean. Gag me!

If I found a movie boring, I’d just ditch it and go pump in the bathroom with my manual handheld pump. We saw three films, the first being a foreign Samoan film with subtitles and I still can’t tell you what the movie was about… but it was like watching paint dry. With zero dialogue in the first 10 minutes of the movie, I wanted to lean over to my wingman and dryly say: “This is so RIVETING!” Call me uncultured, but that movie sucked. We saw one really cute and funny romantic comedy called “The First Time” and it was about the awkwardness that ensues when you lose your virginity in high school. The audience loved it and they even brought the cast out afterward during the Q&A. Of course I missed that part because I was in the bathroom pumping.

Excuse me, I need to go pump

Now let’s talk about the pumping. If I never pump again, it’ll be too soon. I pumped about 5 times a day, including some mini pumping sessions in public bathrooms if necessary. It was definitely my ball ‘n chain throughout the weekend. But I was happily surprised by how much breast milk I could produce when I’m pumping around the clock. I didn’t count, but it’s was probably around 20 bags of milk. I had to go buy an additional storage cooler to put all the milk in! I was so afraid after all that pumping that the milk would thaw on my trip home and be no good (because thawed milk needs to be consumed within 24 hours), but thankfully by packing it tight with ice packets, it stayed nice and frozen on the way home! Now my freezer storage of breast milk is nice and bountiful!

What I learned about myself over this trip is how much I love being a mother. I missed my baby girl like crazy and found myself gazing at her pictures on my cell phone throughout the weekend. My life is different now. My priorities are different. Girl’s weekends are fun, but I’m happiest when I’m holding my little Annie B. :)

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Will this new mama get her groove back during girl’s weekend at the Sundance Film Festival?

by Courtney on January 16, 2012

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Do you know how long it’s been since I’ve danced…or tried to look hot? I do. It was November 21, 2010 — the day before I found out I was pregnant — while partying in New Orleans. Oops. I bring this up, because this coming weekend I’m heading to the Sundance Film Festival for my friend’s bachelorette party, and it’s the first chance in a looooong time for me to just be Courtney again; not a girl carting around a baby, or a mama fixated on a daily schedule of breastfeeding and nap times. I’ll be free to do whatever I want for three whole days. I’m going to SLEEP IN; go to movies, DRINK AS MUCH AS I WANT, dress up in stylish clothes all day and night, and yes, probably dance at a bar and try as hard as this mama can to look HOT! I’m both excited about all of this, and nervous. I mean, will I be able to get my groove back without feeling silly dropping it like it’s hot at the bar? Maybe, as long as I don’t psyche myself out imagining everyone laughing at me dancing, pointing and mouthing; “OMIGAWD, look at that MOM dancing in her MOM JEANS!” *bites nails*

The minute I realized I was with child, my perception of self changed. I identify 100% with being a mom. This is who I am now. It’s probably difficult for most moms to see themselves as anything other than their baby’s mama for at least the first year of their child’s life — if they ever do get a sense of self back outside of motherhood. I’m sure some don’t.

Before I had Annabelle, I was a fun loving girl all about fashion, pop culture, having a good time, etc. I guess I wasn’t that deep come to think of it. ANYWAY, for a girl who used to be keen on fashion, I’ve found myself stressing over what the heck I’m going to wear this weekend. First and foremost, I have to somehow conceal 12 pounds of left over pregnancy. I’ve lost a whopping 42 pounds in the last 5 ½ months, but I still have these dang 12 lbs that are hanging on for dear life. I read somewhere that breastfeeding mamas struggle to lose those final 10 lbs because your body holds onto the weight to aid in milk production. Whatever, at least my gut is for a good cause.

So I’m going to try my best to look hot sporting what can look like a 3-month baby bump when I’m slouching and forgetting to suck it in. Note to all: sequins actually make your bump look bigger. Too bad I already bought two sequined tops for this trip. Ugh. I used to be so aware of muffin tops before pregnancy, and would NEVER wear anything that made me look in the slightest bit chubbers. If I had any kind of back fat in an outfit, that outfit would never see the light of day. So these days, I struggle over trying to avoid the muffin top, and accepting that it’s part of postpartum and it’ll go away eventually. Imagine how I’m going to feel when we girls hit up the hot tub on our trip. Me and a bikni, we’re not friends. I only wish I could lose these remaining pounds without having to give up nightly Oreos and wine… And pizza, and fries, and Mexican food, etc.  

When I was driving home from shopping tonight, I was listening to my iPod playlist, jamming in my seat singing all the wrong words to Rihanna’s new song “We Found Love.” I was feeling the music you know, so I was doing some version of club dancing in the car, and then I remembered that I’m a mom and I felt immediately foolish. Can moms look sexy and dance with their friends at a bar? I remember feeling weird about seeing Britney on stage in a leotard shaking her ass and making out with her dancers once she’d had a baby. Is this the same thing?? I so hope not.

Anyway, hopefully this isn’t just me being uber self-conscious, and these are feelings that all new moms deal with when they’re trying to blend back into fun loving society, or just with their kid free friends.

I’m really looking forward to my trip. I think we’re going to have a blast, and I’m crossing my fingers that I can report back on at least a few celebrity sightings while we’re there. And I’ll let you know if this Stella was able to get her groove back on the other side of my trip! :)

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Traveling without baby — fears over separation anxiety and pumping around the clock!

by Courtney on January 8, 2012

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Three months ago, when Annabelle was a mere two months old and I was suffering from social isolation on maternity leave, I decided to book a flight to attend my friend’s bachelorette party in Park City, Utah, in January. I know what you’re thinking; a bachelorette party in UTAH! How are we going to get drunk and watch strippers in Utah? Isn’t fun kind of a sin there? Well actually, we’re thinking more along the lines of partying with celebs at the SUNDANCE FILM FESTIVAL!!! How cool, right? I should be so excited to party with Ryan Gosling, right?

Well…actually, I’ve been anxiety ridden about this trip for weeks (maybe even since I booked it, oops!). When Annabelle was two months old, the thought of her at six months in January sounded like light years away — like she’d be halfway grown already! But now that I’m here, she’s still very much my wittle baby. And of course now I feel guilty about leaving her. I feel sad thinking she’s going to miss me, but she’ll have her daddy and my in-laws will be here helping out as well, so she’ll be well taken care of. The other day my friend asked me if I’ve called my doctor to ask about when babies experience separation anxiety. I’m all; THANKS A LOT! Now you’ve gone and put that thought in my head. Bring on MORE guilt, please! I Googled this and separation anxiety doesn’t start until they’re much older, so I think we’re in the clear. Hell, I’ll be the one with separation anxiety, not Annabelle. I mean, I even have it now two weeks before I leave!

Pump, pump, PUMP, repeat

This will be me in Utah, except I'll be drinking wine, not water

Another BIG source of anxiety for me: pumping around the clock on my trip. Back when I booked this trip, I didn’t think I’d still be breastfeeding anymore, so that was supposed to be a non-issue. Fast forward a few months and ta-dah, I’m still going strong with the breastfeeding! So now we’ve got a situation where I’m going to be on a girl’s trip, running around all weekend, and I somehow have to find time to pump five times a day! Now this is really freaking me out. How am I going to do this? It’s not like we’re going to be in our hotel room the whole time – or much at all. So am I supposed to just duck into the bathroom for 20 minutes to pump every few hours? Ugh! I so don’t want to lug my bigass electric pump into bars and restaurants all weekend.

Soooooo, I actually purchased a manual Medela breast pump this weekend, which is much more portable and can easily fit into a purse for discreetness. And so far, it works great! I’ve already used it a couple times and it works rather quickly, actually. I was thinking it would take forever, but it was about the same time as the electric pump, only my hand was a little tired afterward! But there are less parts than the electric pump, with less set up/take down. I just sat down comfortably on my couch and pumped away without tubes and cords plugged into the wall trapping me in my seat. It was only $35, so I definitely think it’s worth the money for quick, convenience pumping (definitely not for every day, multiple pumping sessions, though). This way, I won’t be stuck in a club with my boobs cramping up and me practically clawing at the door to get out so I can pump. I can go to the restroom and take care of business without searching for a plug!

Of course there’s one more foreseeable thing to deal with — bringing pumped breastmilk back home. If I pump while I’m out and about, I need to be able to get that milk in a freezer ASAP. Then, I need to transport frozen b-milk on the plane. Sounds like a hassle. Obviously, being on a girl’s trip means I’ll be drinking a bit more than normal because I don’t have to worry about getting my baby tipsy with my alcohol laced breastmilk. So that means I may have to pump and dump for the first time. This is heartbreaking. Throwing out breastmilk is like throwing away liquid gold!! I’ll probably cry for a minute.

So when I’m not anxious over leaving my baby home without her mama, and I’m not psyching myself up about how annoying pumping is going to be while on my trip, I could actually get excited about this! I know once I’m there I’ll figure it out and enjoy myself. And when I’m back home a mere three days later, I’ll laugh at how much worrying I did over this trip. But like any new mom would be, I’m nervous to leave my baby.

If any of you moms have tips or stories about traveling without your baby, pumping on vacation, etc., please add them in the comments section. I need all the advice I can get!

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Well, we made it through Christmas AND a trip to the ER on New Year’s Eve! OMG! Let’s catch up, friends!

by Courtney on January 2, 2012

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Happy Thanksgiving! Happy Hanukah! Merry Christmas! Happy New Year!

Wow, I never got around to blogging during the holidays it seems. I only did one post in December. ONE! Jeez! Where the heck have I been? Well, in reality, the blog has pretty much suffered since I’ve gone back to work. I’m convinced that all mommy bloggers are stay at home moms. How else do you find the time to work AND be a mom AND keep up a weekly blog? Impossible! At any rate, the holidays are over, and hopefully that means I’ll have time to be a little more consistent on the blog. I know right? You’re welcome.

So, why don’t you grab a glass of wine and let’s catch up. It’s been a while.

Well, we made it through Christmas, traveled to Indiana and back, paid a visit to the ER on New Year’s Eve, and now we’re ready for the New Year. Little Miss Annabelle turned 5 months old on Christmas Day — she’s growing so fast! She, of course, had the largest pile of gifts at the end of the day on Christmas, complete with a new wardrobe and tons of new toys. It was so fun having her home around her grandparents, aunt, uncles, and cousins. She seemed to take to everyone with such ease, which inevitably made me sad that we can’t be around family all the time. I’m envious of people who live near their families and the grandparents can come to Tuesday night recitals or games when all that eventually starts. I now have the full court press on my parents to move from Indiana to California. If you know them, help a sistah out and put in a good word for Cali. I usually start with: It’s soooooo nice here, the sun always shines, and it’s like, warm with stuff to do.  (So unlike Indiana! Sorry, Indiana.)

Spending New Year’s Eve in the ER suuuuucks

We had nice little plans for the neighbors to come over and ring in the New Year with champagne after a nice steak dinner with just me, Jeff, and a sleeping Annabelle. (See picture to the left: bacon wrapped filets, crab, asparagus, baked potato, and good wine!) And then our night took a sudden turn of events…

Jeff was playing with Annabelle, letting her stand on the kitchen table while he held her hands above her head — she loves to stand. But you know, she’s not so coordinated yet, and she did a little wobbly move, losing her footing, and in Jeff’s attempt to hold her up, she bent her arm backward because of the direction she was falling. Cue the cries. She can usually be soothed pretty easily if she bumps into something or whatever, but this was different, she was super fussy for an extended period of time. And we noticed her right arm was limp, not responding to things like her left arm did. So we went to the after hours clinic, who then sent us to the ER for X-Rays. By the time we got to the ER, her arm was moving again and responding better, so the doctor didn’t think X-Rays were necessary. Turns out, she had what’s called a Nursemaids Elbow, which is extremely common in children under 5 years old. It’s easy for things to pop out of place when parents are holding their kids hands/arms. It actually happened to me when I was 2. Anyway, Little Miss was fine and I think her daddy was more hurt by the thought of hurting her. I was pretty much comforting him more than Annabelle! Now, two days later she’s back to normal, no hint of a sore arm. These things happen. I told Jeff that we’re going to make mistakes as parents and there will be accidents here and there, so we’ll just have to keep our cool and not beat ourselves up. BUT, it is a reminder to be more careful with her. It’s easy to get lazy and not always buckle her in her swing, or not always strap her down on the changing table — and then walk away for a second thinking she’ll be fine. So we’ll be more cautious from now on. We don’t want to be back in the ER any time soon…or ever.

Five months is a great baby age!

So here we are starting a New Year! It’ll be hard for 2012 to live up to my 2011, seeing as though I had such a fun, happy and healthy pregnancy, followed by the birth of my precious little Annabelle Grace. But I think this year will bring all sorts of new, fun things for us as parents. At 5 months, Annabelle is really showing her personality now. She’s just so smiley and happy all the time. Everywhere we go people comment about how happy she seems. She smiles at everyone and I feel like she’s starting to have a little sense of humor too. She makes me laugh and so I think she’s going to be a little ham, just like her daddy.

She’s talking up a storm these days, waking us up every morning now with her having a lively conversation with herself in her crib. Jeff rolls over and he’s all; “Ohmygawd, can you turn that monitor down so we can sleep longer?” But I think it’s so cute. Except when she screeches! She loves the sound of her own voice. She’s a mover and a shaker too. If you put her on her back, she’ll be on her belly in no time. If she’s on your lap, she’s bobbing back and forth like she’s teeter tottering trying to scoot off somewhere! It’s so cute! Of course to me, everything she does is mind blowingly adorable!

2012 Goals

Well, now that you’re all caught up on how we’re all doing with our growing bundle of joy, we can get back to regular blogging, hopefully! One of my 2012 goals is to blog more frequently; as I enjoy documenting my life as a new parent. And I want to open up my topics a bit more too. The other big goal is to lose these final pregnancy pounds! I’m close, so I plan to do a blog post soon on that topic as well. And I also have a girl’s trip to the Sundance Film Festival in a few weeks, so lots to blog about in the coming weeks. Stay tuned!

Happy New Year, may this be your best year EVER!

For fun, check out some of our family Christmas photos!

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Mourning breastfeeding while I’m still breastfeeding – when returning to work hurts your milk supply…

by Courtney on December 13, 2011

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The thing that everyone warned me would happen finally did. One month after returning to work, my milk supply has taken a SUDDEN nose dive — and it literally happened this past weekend. When I say sudden, I mean up to Thursday of last week I was still pumping plenty of breast milk at work and literally clawing at the door to escape meetings every 2 ½ -3 hours so I can pump. My boobies would be in pain! And then Saturday rolled around and little Miss Annabelle started to get fussy on the boob. More like, she’d grunt and groan out of frustration, or at least that’s how it sounded. And instead of nursing for about 10 minutes on each side and popping off when she’s done, she’d literally hang on for dear life, gnawing away on my nips. For like, ever. Suck, suck, suuuuuuck. *groan*

Usually I’m just watching TV or Facebook stalking while nursing, and before I know it, Annie B. is all done.  But on Saturday, I noticed as she was nursing that she was literally thrashing around, kicking her legs and twisting her head in different directions tying to fight that damn breast milk out of mommy.  

Oh why doesn’t someone just rip my heart out right now. I never want to see my baby struggle – especially when it’s something that I’ve been able to provide for my little one so lovingly – and at times – painstakingly, for nearly 5 months. I survived ridiculously sore, cracked nipples, and the mind numbing pain associated with Vasospasm, in which I took Vitamin B6, hypertension medicine, and walked around with heat warmers AND wool breast pads stuffed in my bra for weeks and weeks in an attempt to cure my pain. But miraculously, at 12 weeks, all the pain just washed away. Nursing became a very pleasant experience. And even when I had cold chills shooting from my head to my toes due to pain, I always loved breastfeeding. No, I’m not a masochist, but my baby loved it, so I loved it. My favorite thing each day is scooping little Annabelle up and having our mommy/baby bonding time nursing. It’s the best.

So what happened? Why the sudden drop? Well, maybe it took about a month for my body to notice I’m not nursing as much as I used to since returning to work. I don’t know, but I’m back to having to supplement with formula. It’s funny how when you have a newborn and your milk hasn’t come in yet, you have to supplement with formula so your baby doesn’t wittle away to nothing. And then your milk comes in and you’re a one woman milk machine for months on end. And suddenly, you’re back to square one again, supplementing. It makes me sad.

Do I dry up or fight the drought?

Now I’m conflicted on what to do about this. Do I let nature take its course and let my supply drop little by little until I’m all dried up? Or do I start taking supplements and drink teas intended to increase my milk supply? I always said my goal for nursing was 6 months, and when I was in all that pain I said I’d be lucky to make it to 3 months. But now that I’ve made it through the dark time of nursing and it’s pain free and comforting to both my baby AND me, why stop now?

Welllll….I’ve been having anxiety over an upcoming out of town bachelorette party in January in which I’m going to be gone for 3 ½ days from Annabelle. What am I suppose to do about breastfeeding while I’m gone, pump and dump 5 times a day? YUCK! ANNOYING! That shit is like liquid gold, it would be heartbreaking to throw it out! But then again, how would I get it home? And to be honest, it’ll probably be laced with alcohol being a bachelorette weekend anyway! Weaning your breastfed baby because you have a bachelorette party to go to sounds so lame and selfish, but that’s not why I’d want to wean. I don’t particularly want to wean right now anyway. But I can’t nurse forever. At some point I have to stop. But I wanted to stop because Annabelle lost interest. I didn’t want to lose my ability to provide what she wants and needs before she’s ready…. I don’t want to see her struggle for that familiar place where she’s tucked into my arm and nursing away, nuzzled in and happy as a clam.

Annnnnd now I’m mourning my breastfeeding days while I’m still breastfeeding. I can’t even imagine the days where Annabelle eats from a bottle all day and I never get to nurse her to sleep again. It literally makes me want to cry because I’m so attached to her. Help, I need advice!

Any advice from breastfeeding moms? What causes a sudden drop in supply?

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What I feared is finally happening to me – the dreaded postpartum hair loss. (Dear God, make it stop!!)

by Courtney on November 29, 2011

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Just when you think your body – and somewhat of your mind – is starting to return to normal 4 months after baby, one more confidence crushing thing swoops in and kills any hint of attractiveness you were starting to get back –postpartum hair loss. I tell ya; there’s nothing more attractive than a balding woman. NUUUUTHING.

For nearly a year I enjoyed fuller, thicker hair with many layers of body. Yes, I used the word “body” to describe my hair. This wasn’t always the case though. I used to have thick hair when I was younger, but then in my mid-twenties I became a bride-to-be on a self-improvement mission that included weight loss and clearing my complexion. So I dabbled in a little Accutane to clear up my skin and it worked like a charm – my skin never looked better. Problem is; 5 months after starting the Accutane program I realized I was losing my hair because of it. Yep, the doctor made sure I knew all the side effects of this treatment, including depression and possible suicide, but she NEVER told me my hair would fall out….and right before my wedding!!! That biyotch!

Ever since then, I’ve enjoyed thin, fine hair. No more layers of body – I have like one layer of hair. And because it’s naturally wavy, I can run a flat iron through it a million times, but the hair closest to my roots never gets perfectly straight. And the worst – my bangs split and look thin on my forehead, so I’m constantly batting at them. I’m making myself sound ridiculously attractive right now.

Needless to say; with hormones that stopped the hair dying phrase during pregnancy, I relished my thicker, healthier hair. It was glorious, and after a while, I begin to forget my thin hair days. I was a thick haired girl again…

Uh huh…not so fast, mama!

I can’t claim what was never truly mine. The hair dying phase is back on – with vengeance! It’s all; “Girlfriend, you think that wig is yours to keep?  Guess again suuuckahhh!!”

So I’m back to wavy roots and split bangs. After blow drying my hair, my shirt is covered in my sad little hair strands that are no longer connected to my head. Not to mention; my highlight is brassy and gray hairs are sprouting. I may have lost a good amount of baby weight (which I’ll update you on soon), but that can’t even lift my spirits in the midst of thin, ugly hair. A girl’s gotta have hair!  

I’ll go back to the question I always ask myself and every other mother I know – why do we women have to endure so many unpleasant things that go along with pregnancy and the postpartum days? Aside from our little bundles of joy, can’t we just have one positive outcome to child bearing that gives us a boost after pregnancy? Ok, fine….my skin is looking pretty clear these days (yay) but still, I can fix acne. I can’t make my hair grow back. Please don’t suggest Rogaine, because once you start taking that shit, you can’t ever stop! What else can I do to make it stop??

I’m getting a hair makeover this week and dying it a darker color. It’s not bringing the hair back, but maybe it’ll give me the boost I need to stop wallowing in self-pity!

Did your hair fall out postpartum? If so, did it ever come back?

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The ups and downs of returning to work after baby

by Courtney on November 10, 2011

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Well, we did it. My first day back to work and Annabelle’s first day of day care is behind us. Thank God. I’d love to tell you that I was anxious about this day all for nothing and it all went swimmingly, but it didn’t. And if one of us had a bad day, I wish I could say it was me missing my daughter like crazy and she was just happy as a clam in her new setting. Unfortunately, she really struggled for a good portion of the day and my biggest fear came true – she wouldn’t take a bottle.

There’s nothing like getting a text message from your daycare center saying; “She was fine earlier, but she’s really upset now and won’t take a bottle. Should we call your husband? Is there anything we can do?”

WHAT! I was expecting them to be the pros! I don’t know, what do YOU guys think you should do – I thought you saw this all the time! Is Annabelle like some extreme case or something?? This is at 10:45am. We’ve got a long day to go.

Ay yi yi. Talk about a guilt-ridden working mama! I realize now that I didn’t try hard enough to get her to take a bottle with ease. I tried occasionally and sometimes it worked and sometimes it didn’t. It would become a battle of the wills and if Annabelle got too upset I knew I could always stop pushing her and just let her drink straight from the tap. It’s hard to give tough love to a 3-month old baby when you know you can take the struggle away in a nano second. Everyone kept telling me – including the daycare lady – that if she’s hungry, she’ll eat. She won’t put up a fight forever. I figured they see this all the time and know all the tricks on getting a baby to take the bottle. But apparently Annabelle is a stubborn ‘lil chicki poo who only wants mommy’s boobies.

I called twice during the day and both times I hear her crying in the background. She was really putting her foot down in the morning, only eating 1 ½ ounces when she’d normally eat 4 oz. My husband even dropped in at 11:30 to try and feed her and she wouldn’t eat for him either. I decided that I can’t keep calling, they’re just going to have to deal with it and Annie B. is going to have to learn.

Needless to say; I was thrilled when Jeff offered to pick her up at 4:15 instead of waiting for me to get home at 5:45. Thankfully, the daycare lady said the day improved a bit, with Annabelle finally taking in a total of 6 oz. for the day. This is less than half of what she would normally take at this point. And to top it off, she slept a total of ONE HOUR all day!!!! She normally naps every hour and a half anywhere from 45 minutes to an hour and a half! My poor little baby.

Obvy I was thrilled to pieces to see my little girl when I got home and pop her on the boob for a nice long 3 hour feeding. I think I kissed every inch of her face about 30 times over. She finally put her hand up to make me stop and then I was just kissing the inside of her wittle baby hand.

Work was kind of….nice

I thought for sure I was going to be a total mess dropping Annabelle off today. Hell, I was already crying last night before putting her in the swing for her evening nap. I didn’t want my last night of my maternity leave to be over. I tried to give myself plenty of time when we got there this morning so that if I had to leave and come back about 40 times, I could. It was a hectic first day because it was picture day at the center. Plus, the 8 o’clock hour is a busy drop off time for parents. So I didn’t really have time to stand there and dwell on what was happening, I had to get her stuff situated and leave for work. I shed a few quiet tears before leaving, but I just tried not to think about it as I walked out the door and got on the train.

Once I was at work everyone was stopping by my desk hugging me and welcoming me back. I caught up with my team on what’s been happening for the last four months, and it turns out life goes on without me. It was strange riding the train like a little professional and walking into my cube after being away so long. My calendar still said July. My phone rang and I looked at it like a caveman looking at a phone ringing – like, what the hell do I do with that??? Do I answer it?? Nah, I let it go to voicemail. Not that I remember how to check it.

The day was work-free and purely social with a couple pumping sessions in there – which I can see getting old REAL QUICK. All in all, I realized that I like going to work. I got a thrill from discussing some new marketing ideas for 2012 and going like 30 minutes having a conversation that had nothing to do with babies. I needed this.

Thankfully, I’m part-time for the rest of the year so I don’t go back to work until next Tuesday. Working definitely makes me appreciate my time at home so much more. I was so excited to get home for tacos, good TV, and holding little Annabelle. She is like Christmas morning to me.  

I’m going to work on the bottle issue this weekend and hopefully we can make a breakthrough. Eventually Annabelle will come to realize that when she’s at daycare she drinks a bottle and when she’s with mommy she drinks from the boobie. And I know she’ll grow to know and enjoy the daycare ladies and her new surroundings. Plus, the socialization she’ll experience will be so good for her. Like anything else, we all adapt. We thought having a newborn baby was tough that first week and then it become like second nature to be a parent. This is no different. For now, I’m just going to enjoy my long weekend with my baby girl and appreciate every minute I have with her. She’s such a gift.

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My next phase of motherhood: Working Mom.

by Courtney on November 8, 2011

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The time has come; I go back to work on Thursday. The initial maternity leave phase of motherhood is coming to a close and it’s now the next phase of my life – becoming a working mom. I have mixed emotions about going to work. Part of me is looking forward to getting a bit of my old self back, meaning the confidence that working brings me. I also see it as social time and less as work right now. Because let’s be honest; being a stay at home mom can be pretty socially isolating. But more so I’m just really sad about leaving Annabelle and anxiety ridden about how she’ll do in daycare all day – especially since she’s still not good on a bottle. Do you remember when she went on a bottle strike at 10 weeks? Yep, she still hates the bottle. I guess the daycare lady and Annabelle are going to have a battle of the wills when it’s bottle time. And I really, REALLY hope daycare lady wins! I’m just going to be biting my nails off staring at the clock when it’s a feeding time wondering who’s winning that damn battle every 3 hours. Ugh. I’d feel SO much better about all of this if that was a non issue.

Today in my mom’s group, our facilitator told us that we need to prepare in the evenings for the next day of daycare, like washing and making new bottles, packing diapers, wipes, two changes of clothes, my own lunch – oh and, she said we need to start showering at night and laying out our clothes the night before too. Dang! I won’t have any time to enjoy her at night after work because I’ll just be prepping for her next day at daycare and my next day at work! Ahh….I remember the days where I’d come home and spend 3 hours leisurely blogging at night and watching American Idol and Dancing with the Stars. Life is so different now.

People say the hardest part about returning to work is that first day. Everyone has said that I will be crying in the parking lot and to not even bother with makeup until after I drop off my baby. God, why does this have to be such torture for moms?? But I do hear it gets easier with each passing day. Let’s hope that’s true. You’ll be hearing about how it all goes soon! Luckily, I’m only working one day this week so it’s like dipping a toe in and pulling it back out before I have to feel the burn too long. And then it’s 3 days a week starting next week. My mother-in-law tried to comfort me by saying she thinks I’ll be an even better wife and mom with my return to work. With me getting a slice of life outside of motherhood it’ll only make me appreciate my time with my family that much more. I think she’s right.

Purging and moving on

I finally cleaned out my walk-in closet this past weekend and put away all my maternity clothes and organized my pile of ill fitting shoes (yes, my feet grew with pregnancy, ARGHH!!). I can see my floor again! I had this strange feeling in my stomach after putting those maternity clothes away. It was as if I was closing the chapter on my pregnancy and new motherhood and I felt a bit melancholy about it. But I’m ready to move on to this next phase and embrace whatever life and motherhood brings. My baby girl is getting big and it’s time for mama to go back to work. I’ll always remember and cherish these first few months with Annabelle as they were so incredibly special to me. And I’m excited for what’s to come and to see her thrive in a new setting. Millions of moms do this every day and I know I can too. *Deep breath*

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Five pieces of advice to new moms

November 2, 2011
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As I’m exactly one week away from dropping Annabelle off at daycare for the first time, it’s causing me to go into uber reflection mode on the first few months of her life. And as I think about all the things I’ve learned during this time, I wanted to share them in a blog post [...]

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Could I really be a stay at home mom?

October 26, 2011
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My anxiety over going back to work in TWO WEEKS is getting worse with each passing day. I don’t know where the hell the time has gone, but not too long ago 4 months of maternity leave sounded like an eternity. And now it’s coming to an end. *WAAAH* I know this sounds so cheesy, [...]

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